Unlock the Secret to a Stronger Relationship: Create Your Own Relationship Contract

As a social worker and mum of three, I’ve learned a thing or two about how to set a relationship up for success. 

One tool that I use and find very helpful is a relationship contract. This post delves into how to strengthen your relationship and enhance communication by creating a relationship contract, you will find a free printable template to help you create your own.

Here’s what you need to know about a relationship contract:

What is a relationship contract? Simply put, it’s an agreement between partners that outlines expectations, roles, and responsibilities within the relationship. It can cover everything from household chores to finances to communication styles. But perhaps the most important aspect of a relationship contract is that it forces you to have those difficult conversations that can be easy to avoid. You know the ones I'm talking about - the "what are we?" conversation, the "I don't like when you do that" conversation, the "what are our goals for the future?" conversation. By addressing these issues upfront and laying out your expectations, you can prevent a lot of arguments and hurt feelings down the road.

Why should a couple use a relationship contract? Well, for starters, it can help prevent misunderstandings and conflicts. When both partners are on the same page about what’s expected of them, there’s less room for resentment or disappointment. It can also be a great way to foster communication and ensure that both partners feel heard and valued. Here are four top reasons why having a relationship contract can be valuable:

1. Clarity and Communication: A relationship contract provides a structured framework for open and honest communication between you and your partner. It allows you to clearly define your expectations, needs, and boundaries, fostering a deeper understanding and mutual respect within the relationship.

2. Establishing Mutual Goals: By outlining your shared values, aspirations, and goals in a relationship contract, you and your partner can align your visions for the future and work together towards common objectives. This can strengthen your bond and create a sense of unity and purpose in your relationship.

3. Conflict Resolution: Having a relationship contract in place can help prevent misunderstandings and conflicts by addressing potential areas of contention upfront. It provides a roadmap for resolving disagreements constructively and encourages both partners to approach conflicts with empathy and respect.

4. Building Trust and Security: A well-defined relationship contract can enhance trust and security in your partnership by fostering transparency and accountability. Knowing that your needs and boundaries are understood and respected by your partner can create a strong foundation of trust and emotional safety within the relationship.

How can a relationship contract help when you have kids? Let’s face it, parenting can be tough. A relationship contract can help clarify roles and responsibilities when it comes to childcare, household chores, and other tasks. By dividing up responsibilities fairly, both partners can feel supported and less overwhelmed. However, a relationship contract isn't only useful when children are involved, it can be useful for all relationships.

What topics should you include in your relationship contract? Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

1. Communication: This is key in any relationship, so it's important to establish how you and your partner will communicate with each other. Will you have a weekly check-in? Will you use certain keywords or phrases to let the other person know when you need space or support?
2. Finances: Money can be a major source of tension in relationships, so it's important to have a plan for how you'll handle finances. Will you split everything 50/50? Will you have a joint bank account or keep your finances separate?
3. Boundaries: It's important to establish boundaries early on in a relationship. What are your deal-breakers? What kind of behaviour will you not tolerate from your partner?
4. Intimacy: This can be a tricky topic to discuss, but it's important to establish your expectations around intimacy. What are your needs and desires? How often do you want to be intimate?
5. Conflict resolution: No matter how well you get along, conflicts are bound to arise in any relationship. It's important to establish a plan for how you'll handle conflict when it does come up. Will you seek outside help if needed?
6. Household Responsibilities: Outline who will be responsible for various household tasks such as cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, and laundry. Establishing clear expectations can help prevent misunderstandings and resentment. 

Its also important to note down how to communicate with your partner if a part of the relationship contract is needing to be reviewed, changed or scrapped because its not working; whether that be for a short time or long term. Having a relationship contract is simply a way to keep both parties accountable in the partnership, its not meant to be restricting. Overall, communication is the most valuable asset in a relationship, where both parties can be open and honest at all times, without feeling judgment or fear of repercussion. 

You could also consider adding in these topics too, if they fit with you relationship contract ideas:

1. Quality Time: Discuss how you and your partner will prioritise spending quality time together. This could include scheduling date nights, unplugged time, or regular activities that you both enjoy.

2. Personal Goals: Encourage each other to pursue personal goals and dreams. Discuss how you can support each other in achieving these goals while maintaining a healthy balance in your relationship.

3. Family Planning: If applicable, discuss your plans for family planning, including whether you want to have children, how many, and when. Consider discussing parenting styles and values as well. If this is applicable to you, you may like to delve deeper into this topic by heading to Discussions to have with your partner before baby arrives and 5 Couple skills that help when baby comes home blog posts, which goes into detail about how important communication discussions are in relationships when adding new family members to the relationship.

4. Technology Use: In today's digital age, it's important to discuss boundaries around technology use within the relationship. This could include guidelines for device-free time, social media boundaries, and respecting each other's privacy online.

5. Health and Wellness: Discuss how you will support each other's physical and mental health. This could include encouraging regular exercise, healthy eating habits, and seeking professional help if needed.

6. Shared Values: Explore your shared values and beliefs as a couple. Discuss topics such as religion, politics, and ethical considerations to ensure alignment and understanding.

7. Social Life: Discuss your preferences and expectations regarding socialising with friends and family. This could include how often you'll spend time with others, how you'll handle conflicts with friends or family members, and boundaries around social activities.

8. Career Goals: Discuss each other's career aspirations and how you can support each other in achieving them. This could include considerations such as job flexibility, relocation possibilities, and career advancement opportunities.

9. Travel Plans: If you both enjoy traveling, discuss your travel preferences, bucket list destinations, and how you'll prioritise and plan your trips together. This could include budgeting for travel expenses, scheduling vacation time, and balancing different travel interests.

10. Spiritual or Religious Practices: If spirituality or religion is important to either or both of you, discuss how you'll incorporate these practices into your relationship. This could include attending religious services together, participating in spiritual rituals, or supporting each other's individual spiritual journeys.

11. Pets: If you're considering getting a pet or already have one, discuss your roles and responsibilities as pet owners. This could include decisions about pet care, training, grooming, and expenses related to pet ownership.

12. Education and Lifelong Learning: Discuss your attitudes towards education and lifelong learning. This could include supporting each other in pursuing further education or personal development opportunities, attending workshops or seminars together, and sharing knowledge and skills with each other.

13. Home Environment: Discuss your preferences for your living space, including décor, cleanliness standards, and organisation. This could include agreements on how you'll decorate and maintain your home, as well as any rules or expectations for guests and visitors.

14. Creative Outlets: Explore each other's creative interests and how you can encourage and support each other's creative pursuits. This could include hobbies such as painting, writing, gardening, or crafting, and finding ways to incorporate creativity into your daily lives.

15. Social Media and Privacy: Discuss your boundaries and expectations regarding social media usage and privacy within the relationship. This could include guidelines for sharing photos or information about your relationship online, as well as respecting each other's digital privacy and boundaries.

By addressing these additional topics in your relationship contract, you can create a comprehensive agreement that reflects your shared values, goals, and priorities as a couple.

What should I take into consideration before starting my relationship contraact?

Creating a relationship contract is an empowering step towards building a strong and resilient partnership. The following conversation starters and considerations are designed to guide you through meaningful discussions on topics such as communication, conflict management, expectations, and shared responsibilities. By exploring these areas together, you'll gain a deeper understanding of each other's needs, desires, and boundaries, laying the foundation for a fulfilling and harmonious relationship. Let these prompts inspire thoughtful dialogue and foster a spirit of collaboration as you co-create a relationship contract that reflects your unique partnership and values. Here are suggested conversation starters and considerations for each topic in the relationship contract:

Communication:

• Conversation Starters:
  1. "How do you prefer to communicate when discussing important matters in our relationship?"
  2. "Are there any topics that you find difficult to talk about? How can I support you in discussing them?"
  3. "What are some ways we can ensure that we actively listen to each other and validate each other's feelings?"
• Considerations:
  • Establishing a safe and judgment-free environment for open communication.
  • Setting aside dedicated time for regular check-ins and discussions about our relationship.

Conflict Management:

• Conversation Starters:
  1. "How have conflicts been handled in your past relationships? What worked well, and what could have been improved?"
  2. "What are some strategies you find helpful when navigating disagreements?"
  3. "How can we ensure that conflicts are resolved in a respectful and constructive manner?"
• Considerations:
  • Agreeing on ground rules for fair fighting, such as avoiding personal attacks and taking breaks when emotions escalate.
  • Discussing the importance of compromising and finding win-win solutions.

Expectations and Boundaries:

• Conversation Starters:
  1. "What are your expectations for our relationship in terms of commitment, communication, and shared values?"
  2. "Are there any boundaries that you feel are important to establish in our relationship?"
  3. "How can we ensure that our expectations align and that our boundaries are respected?"
• Considerations:
  • Being honest and upfront about individual needs and desires.
  • Respecting each other's boundaries and renegotiating them as needed.

Finances:

• Conversation Starters:
  1. "What are your financial goals and priorities for our relationship?"
  2. "How do you feel about joint finances versus keeping some aspects separate?"
  3. "What are some ways we can ensure that we're both contributing fairly to our shared expenses?"
• Considerations:
  • Creating a budget together and agreeing on how money will be spent and saved.
  • Discussing long-term financial plans, such as savings goals and retirement planning.

Intimacy and Affection:

• Conversation Starters:
  1. "What does intimacy mean to you, both physically and emotionally?"
  2. "How can we ensure that our intimacy needs are met and that we feel connected to each other?"
  3. "What are some ways we can express affection and love for each other on a regular basis?"
• Considerations:
  • Being open to exploring each other's desires and preferences in the bedroom.
  • Recognising that intimacy goes beyond physical acts and includes emotional connection and support.

Roles and Responsibilities:

• Conversation Starters:
  1. "What are some household tasks that you enjoy doing, and which ones do you prefer to avoid?"
  2. "How can we divide responsibilities fairly and equitably to ensure a harmonious living environment?"
  3. "Are there any specific tasks or chores that you feel strongly about taking the lead on?"
• Considerations:
  • Recognising each other's strengths and preferences when assigning roles and responsibilities.
  • Being flexible and willing to renegotiate tasks as needed based on changing circumstances.

Review and Re-Evaluate:

• Conversation Starters:
  1. "How often do you think we should revisit our relationship contract to ensure that it remains relevant and effective?"
  2. "What are some signs that indicate it's time to re-evaluate our relationship dynamics and make adjustments?"
  3. "How can we approach the process of reviewing and updating our contract in a constructive and collaborative manner?"
• Considerations:
  • Setting a regular schedule for revisiting the contract, such as annually or biannually.
  • Being open to feedback and suggestions for improvement from both partners.

These conversation starters and considerations can serve as valuable tools for initiating discussions and setting the stage for creating a relationship contract that reflects both partners' needs, desires, and aspirations.

Should consequences be added to a relationship contract? This is a personal choice. Some couples find it helpful to include consequences for not following through on their responsibilities, while others prefer a more positive approach. Ultimately, it’s up to you and your partner to decide what works best for your relationship.

What should I do if a relationship contract doesn’t work? Remember, a relationship contract is not a magic solution. If something isn’t working, don’t be afraid to revisit the contract and make changes. If a relationship contract doesn't work because a partner isn't holding up their end of the contract you may need to look a little deeper into what is happening in your relationship.  You may also want to consider seeking the help of a therapist or counsellor.

How to bring up the idea of a relationship contract with my partner? This can be a tricky conversation to have, but it’s important to approach it with an open mind and a willingness to listen. Start by expressing your desire to improve your relationship and your belief that a relationship contract could help. Be sure to emphasise that it’s a collaborative effort and that both partners will have a say in what goes into the contract. If you are feeling a little stuck in how to approach this conversation, here are 20 statements to help introduce the idea of a relationship contract to your partner:

1. "I've been thinking a lot about our relationship lately, and I believe there are some areas we could improve and strengthen together."
2. "I value our relationship immensely, and I want to ensure that we're both on the same page about our expectations and commitments."
3. "I came across this concept of a relationship contract, and I think it could be a helpful tool for us to communicate openly and set clear boundaries."
4. "I believe that creating a relationship contract could help us better understand each other's needs and desires."
5. "I want us to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship, and I think discussing our expectations openly could benefit us both."
6. "I'm excited about our future together, and I believe that creating a relationship contract could strengthen our bond and deepen our connection."
7. "I think it's important for us to have open and honest communication about our relationship goals and values."
8. "I want us to feel secure and confident in our relationship, and I believe that establishing clear guidelines could help us achieve that."
9. "I value your input and perspective, and I want us to create a relationship contract together that reflects both of our needs and desires."
10. "I believe that having a relationship contract could help us navigate challenges and conflicts more effectively."
11. "I want to ensure that we're both fully committed to each other and our relationship, and I think a relationship contract could help reinforce that commitment."
12. "I want us to feel empowered to express our needs and boundaries openly and without fear of judgment."
13. "I believe that creating a relationship contract could foster a greater sense of trust and intimacy between us."
14. "I think it's important for us to be proactive about addressing any potential issues or concerns in our relationship."
15. "I want us to have a shared understanding of what we expect from each other and our relationship."
16. "I'm committed to making our relationship the best it can be, and I believe that creating a relationship contract could help us achieve that."
17. "I want us to feel supported and respected in our relationship, and I think discussing our expectations openly could help us achieve that."
18. "I value our partnership and want to ensure that we're both actively contributing to its success."
19. "I believe that creating a relationship contract could help us build a strong foundation for our future together."
20. "I'm excited about the idea of creating a relationship contract together, and I think it could be a fun and empowering process for us."

These statements can help initiate a thoughtful and respectful conversation with your significant other about the idea of creating a relationship contract. Adjust them as needed to fit your own communication style and relationship dynamics.

Questions I should ask myself to see if a Relationship Contract is for my Relationship? Embarking on the journey of evaluating whether a relationship contract is right for you and your partner can be both insightful and empowering. By taking the time to reflect on your relationship dynamics, individual needs, and communication patterns, you're investing in the health and longevity of your partnership. A good exercise to uncover your true feelings is to journal. If journaling isn't for you, you can simply read through the questions below and answer to yourself. Either way doing this will bring forward your true feelings. Remember, the decision to pursue a relationship contract is deeply personal and should be made collaboratively with your partner, based on mutual understanding, respect, and shared goals. Here are five journal prompts to help you evaluate whether having a relationship contract is a good idea for your relationship:

1. Reflect on your current relationship dynamics and communication patterns. Are there any areas where you feel like there's room for improvement or misunderstanding?

2. Consider your individual needs, values, and boundaries within the relationship. What are your non-negotiables, and are they currently being respected and honoured?

3. Imagine your ideal relationship dynamic. What does it look like? How do you envision both partners communicating, supporting each other, and resolving conflicts?

4. Explore any concerns or fears you have about bringing up the idea of a relationship contract with your partner. What's holding you back, and how might addressing these concerns benefit your relationship?

5. Visualise the potential benefits of establishing clear expectations and boundaries through a relationship contract. How might it enhance trust, communication, and overall satisfaction in your relationship?

These prompts can help you reflect on your relationship dynamics, identify areas for improvement, and weigh the potential benefits of creating a relationship contract with your partner.

When should you re-evaluate your relationship contract? Knowing when to reevaluate your relationship contract is crucial for maintaining a healthy and evolving partnership. As time passes and life circumstances change, it's natural for your needs, priorities, and boundaries to shift. Regularly revisiting your relationship contract allows you and your partner to ensure that it remains relevant and reflective of your current dynamics and aspirations. Whether it's due to major life events, changes in personal or relationship goals, or simply the passage of time, setting aside dedicated moments to reassess and update your contract can strengthen your connection and promote ongoing growth and understanding within your relationship. At minimum your relationship contract should be re-evaluated each year, however, you may find you need to bring that forward before of life's circumstances.

Disclaimer:

While a relationship contract can be a valuable tool for fostering communication and mutual understanding, it's essential to acknowledge that it may not be suitable for every relationship. Each partnership is unique, and what works for one couple may not work for another. If broaching the subject of a relationship contract results in conflict or resistance from your partner, it's important to approach the situation with empathy and openness. Consider seeking professional couples counselling or individual therapy to explore these areas of concern in a safe and supportive environment. Remember, prioritising the health and happiness of your relationship is paramount, and seeking outside support can provide valuable guidance and perspective as you navigate this journey together.

Ready to take your relationship to the next level? This free printable relationship contract guide is here to help! Designed to facilitate open communication and mutual understanding, this comprehensive resource includes conversation starters, considerations, and a customisable template to create your own relationship contract. Whether you're looking to define expectations, establish boundaries, or simply strengthen your bond as a couple, this printable offers a valuable framework to guide your discussions and set the stage for a happier, healthier partnership. Download your free copy below and embark on the journey to a more fulfilling relationship today!

As you embark on the journey of creating a relationship contract, remember that communication is key. By openly discussing your needs, expectations, and boundaries with your partner, you're taking proactive steps to strengthen your bond and build a foundation for a thriving relationship. Whether you're crafting your first agreement or revisiting and updating an existing one, the process of creating a relationship contract can be a powerful tool for fostering understanding, mutual respect, and shared goals. So, embrace the opportunity to deepen your connection, and may your relationship contract serve as a guiding light on your path to love, happiness, and lifelong partnership.