5 Couple skills that help when baby comes home

Bringing baby home will bring changes to any relationship. 

Going from a couple to a couple with a baby can be challenging and there is a need to adjust and change together. Coming together to work out the new normal is important, you can’t create a healthy, happy and safe family by yourself. One way of creating a healthy, safe and comfortable family environment for you, your partner and baby is to work together, creating a team focus approach to parenting. Creating a team approach sounds simple but it does take work. A team focussed home is about working together, agreeing on a shared approach to parenting, making decisions together and supporting each other.

Team parenting takes the pressure off of just one person (typically the mum) to be responsible for all things parenting. When both parents are actively involved in decision-making, discipline, and daily tasks, it creates a more balanced and harmonious household. Plus, it can help to prevent burnout and resentment. It also provides a great model for your children. When they see that both parents are working together and respecting each other's opinions and roles, they are more likely to learn those same values and behaviours. It can also help to create a stronger bond between your children and your partner.

It also improves communication and problem-solving skills within your relationship. When you're both on the same page and working towards the same goals, it can create a sense of unity and partnership. Plus, it gives you both an opportunity to practice active listening and compromise.

Setting up a team-focused approach to parenting with your partner can not only benefit your children, but also your relationship and your own mental health. Give it a go and see how it works for you!

Start with these topics to help clarify what you would like to achieve from a team focussed approach to parenting: 

1. How you handle stress - Stress is an inevitable part of life, and it can affect us in different ways. Whether you are in a long-term relationship or just starting out, it's crucial to communicate your needs when it comes to dealing with stress. Even if you have been together forever and feel you have a good understanding of how you handle stress, it’s still a good idea to discuss the following and work out how you best need support during stressful times. 

Discuss:

• How you wish to be spoken to, to get the best out of you? it's essential to discuss how you wish to be spoken to during stressful times. Some people prefer words of encouragement, while others may need space to process their emotions. It's essential to communicate your needs with your partner and work out a plan that works for both of you.
• How to best defuse an argument? when it comes to defusing an argument, it's helpful to take a step back and approach the situation with a level head. Avoid using blame or criticism, and instead, focus on finding a solution that works for both of you. Remember, it's important to work as a team and support each other during stressful times.
• What you might look like if you are stressed (do you cry, yell, go and be alone) and what you need from your partner during that time? it's essential to recognise your stress triggers and communicate them with your partner. Do you cry, yell, or need to be alone? Whatever your stress response is, it's important to identify it and communicate your needs with your partner. This can help them understand how they can best support you during stressful times.

Handling stress in a relationship is all about communication and support. By discussing your needs and working together as a team, you can navigate stressful situations in a healthy way. Remember, self-growth, self-discovery, and self-love are all essential components of a healthy relationship.

2. What helps you when you are feeling tired - Being a parent is one of the most rewarding experiences in life, but it is also one of the most challenging ones. One of the biggest challenges for new parents is the lack of sleep. Being tired becomes the new norm, especially during the first few months. But fear not, there are steps that you can take to make sure you are able to pick up on missed sleep. 

Discuss:

• Can we structure our time to sleep when baby sleeps. One of the things that can help is structuring your time to sleep when the baby sleeps. This may sound easier said than done, but it is possible. When the baby is napping, take that time to have a rest yourself. You may not be able to sleep for long, but even a short nap can make a big difference.
• Can we schedule and take turns over night to both get enough sleep. Another option is to schedule and take turns for overnight feedings. This way, both parents can get enough sleep, and neither one has to bear the brunt of sleep deprivation. It is important to communicate with your partner and come up with a plan that works for both of you.
• Are there rituals you do now for great sleep, that you’d like to try and continue (like a cuppa tea before bed or a milo). Consider incorporating rituals into your bedtime routine. A cup of tea before bed or a milo can help you relax and wind down. You can also try other relaxing activities such as reading a book or taking a warm bath. Creating a relaxing environment and sticking to a regular sleep schedule can also help improve the quality of your sleep.

Being tired as a parent is inevitable, but there are steps you can take to make sure you are able to pick up on missed sleep. Structuring your time, taking turns for overnight feedings and incorporating relaxing rituals into your bedtime routine are all great ways to ensure you get the rest you need. Remember, a well-rested parent is a happy parent!

3. What will help if you have a conflict - I know how challenging it can be to manage conflicts within a family, especially when you are tired. And when a new baby arrives, it can add even more stress to the already existing tensions. When you are tired, arguments can increase within a new family. Before baby arrives go over ways that can help to defuse an argument. 

Discuss:

• Techniques you may add to defuse a conflict early on. You and your partner should sit down together and discuss some techniques that can help in defusing a conflict early on. For example, you could try raising your hand if your partner is yelling, which can indicate that you need a break from the conversation. Another technique is to have a frustration jar where you can write down your frustrations before they turn into an argument. You can read them when you are both feeling calm and ready to tackle them.
• How you will apologise to each other if a conflict does arise. It's also important to have a plan on how to apologise to each other if a conflict does arise. Saying sorry can be difficult, but it's essential to maintain the relationship. You can agree on a way that works for both of you. It could be as simple as saying "I'm sorry," or you could come up with a more elaborate plan that involves a small gesture like giving a hug or making a cup of tea.

4. Roles and responsibilities - As a mum of three, I know firsthand how important it is to define roles and responsibilities when it comes to parenting. It can be easy to fall into the trap of assuming that one partner will take on the lion's share of the work, but this can lead to resentment and burnout. That's why it's crucial to have an open and honest conversation about what you both want and need. 

Roles and responsibilities are all the tasks and ways of doing things to do with parenting. When it comes to parenting, everyone enjoys different aspects of it. Some parents love spending time playing with their children, while others prefer to take care of the practical tasks like cooking and cleaning. It's important to discuss what responsibilities each parent will have within your family, so that you can both feel fulfilled and satisfied with your roles.

In our family, we have a mix of shared and individual tasks. For example, my partner and I both enjoy spending time with our children, so we make sure to share this responsibility equally. However, I prefer to take care of the cooking and cleaning while he takes care of the orgnaising all the sports and activites and all the outdoor cleaning. By having this balance, we are both able to contribute in a way that feels meaningful to us.

Of course, there will be times when one partner feels overwhelmed or resentful because responsibilities aren't being met. When this happens, communication is key. It's important to be able to talk openly and honestly about how you're feeling, without placing blame or making accusations. By working together to find a solution, you can create a parenting dynamic that works for both of you. Remember, parenting is a journey, and it's okay to make adjustments along the way. 

Discuss:

• What you would like to be responsible for? You need to discuss what you would like to be responsible for. Are there certain tasks that you enjoy doing or are better at? Maybe you like cooking and your partner prefers doing the laundry. Or perhaps you're more organized and enjoy managing finances, while your partner is better at cleaning. Whatever it may be, make sure you're both happy with the responsibilities you've chosen.
• Will there be tasks that are shared? Consider whether there will be tasks that are shared. For example, you both may need to take care of the kids or walk the dog. In this case, be clear about who will take care of what and when. This will help to ensure that everyone is contributing equally and no one is feeling overwhelmed or resentful.
• How will you communicate to your partner if you are feeling partner resentment (because responsibilities aren’t being met)? It's important to establish how you'll communicate with your partner if you're feeling any resentment because responsibilities aren't being met. Remember, communication is key in any relationship! Make sure to approach the conversation in a calm and respectful manner. Try not to blame or accuse your partner, but instead focus on your feelings and how you can work together to solve the issue.

5. How to ask for time to yourself  - You can not give and give and give without needing a little something for yourself, to recharge. Needing time for yourself is called self care, it is not selfish. Self care is something you do for yourself to be able to be a great parent and partner. Self care is any activity that we do deliberately in order to take care of our own well-being. 

Discuss:

• What self care activities make you happy? Well, for me, it's taking a long bath with a good book, going for a walk in nature, or simply having a cup of tea in peace and quiet. But it's different for everyone. It could be going to the gym, getting a massage, or even just taking a nap. The important thing is to do something that makes you happy and relaxed.
• How you will ask for time? It's not always easy, but it's important to communicate your needs to your partner. Explain why you need some time to yourself and what you plan on doing during that time. And don't forget to offer to reciprocate! Maybe your partner needs some time to themselves too.
• Can your partner suggest an activity or organise something for you? Sometimes it's nice to have someone else plan something for you. Maybe your partner can book a massage for you or plan a day trip to a nearby town. Don't be afraid to ask for help or suggestions.

In order to parent together using a team approach, there are some skills that can help you maintain this approach. These include problem-solving, managing conflict, talking and listening, backing each other up, and accepting each other. By working together, you can not only navigate the ups and downs of parenting but also continue to grow your relationship as your family changes. Remember, you're in this together! Creating a team focussed approach gets easier with time and practice. Here is a reminder of what each of these couple skills are:

• Problem Solving - this means finding new and creative solutions in situations where you’re stuck or can’t work through family issues
• Managing conflict – this means managing and resolving disagreements in a collaborative and positive way

• Talking and Listening – this means communicating in ways that help you connect and strengthen your relationship

• Backing each other up – this means parenting in consistent and supportive ways

• Accepting each other – this means living with and valuing each other’s differences.
• 
  

Parenting together using a team approach can help not only with the ups and downs of parenting but allows your relationship to continue to grow as your family changes.