What to say to a friend who has experienced pregnancy loss

With 1 in 4 pregnancies ending in miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death, the chances are we all know someone who has lost a baby.

In 2015, I lost 3 pregnancies to miscarriage and I was shocked to find out that many of my friends had also experienced pregnancy loss but never spoke about it. Pregnancy loss is still a taboo subject, with so many women suffering in silence.

Losing a pregnancy is traumatic, and there are no perfect words to say to someone who has suffered such a tremendous loss. Instead of worrying about whether your words are perfect, it may be more important for you to be present. Sometimes just being there is the best thing you can do. This article gives you tips on how to be there for your friend who has experienced pregnancy loss.

Say I’m so sorry for your loss

Don’t wait for her to bring it up, acknowledge the loss straight away. Say “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

Here are a few other things to consider saying:

You could say, “How are you feeling?, I am here for you if you need to talk.”

You could also say, “I feel so sad, and I can’t imagine what you are feeling, If you don’t feel like talking, I can just sit here with you and keep you company, I have nowhere else I need to be.”

You could say, “talk as long as you want, I am here for you and have plenty of time.“

You could also say, “Anytime you need me, whatever time of the day, I am here for you.”

Suspend problem solving

Just be there for her. She doesn’t need you to tell her that “everything happens for a reason” or that she will feel better if she looks on the brighter side.

It can’t be fixed, acknowledge that this is a crappy situation. It’s not a problem that can be fixed.

Remember she is a new mum too

Despite the loss, she is a new mum. Let her talk about the birth and her baby and acknowledge her motherhood.

Offer help

Ask if there is something you can do to help. Offer to cook meals, do laundry, clean the house, take her for coffee or a nice meal, any practical help can be useful.

Take her lead

Whether she wants to talk about it or just be close to you for support, let her decide. If she wants to talk, let her. Don’t shut down the conversation or change topics, let her talk about it. Don’t assume that talking about it makes her sadder.

Give a gift

Buy a candle, chocolates, bath products and a magazine. Leave them at her door with a note. This let’s her know you are thinking about her.

Don’t expect things to go back to normal

In the weeks, months, years that follow, be there for her. Check in with her regularly. Everyone grieves differently, let her grieve in her way.

Also, don’t forget your feelings

Death and loss are uncomfortable topics for anyone. It can be challenging to know what to say or how to react when someone you care about has a pregnancy loss. It is normal to feel uncertain or anxious on how to comfort someone who has experienced loss. It is important to think about, what pregnancy loss stirs up for you and to talk about it.

Remember

Just do something. You may feel like you say the wrong thing, feel anxious or uncomfortable, but she needs you now. Doing something is better than not doing anything.

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