As a social worker working with families and a mum of three young children, I’ve seen firsthand how demanding motherhood can be.
You’re expected to be a superhero, juggling a million things at once while still managing to look like you’ve got it all together. But the truth is, none of us have it all figured out. We all have our struggles, and sometimes, we need a little help.
So, why is it that so many of us mums don’t seek the help we need? A mother has so much on her shoulders that sometimes asking for help can ease the burden, divide the load and allow for time to surrender with ourselves. It is common for mums to feel they need to do it all; all the time and not accept help. In this blog post, I’m going to explore six common reasons why mothers may avoid seeking help for their mental health, and offer some tips on how to overcome these barriers.
Here are 6 reasons why mums feel they can't accept any help:
1. I want to be the perfect mother
I understand the expectations that come with motherhood. Before having children, it's easy to envision a perfect life of parenting, where everything goes according to plan and you're always in control. But in reality, motherhood is full of surprises and challenges, and it's important to be realistic about what to expect. Social media doesn't make it any easier, with its endless stream of perfectly posed family photos and unrealistic standards.
It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that the only way to be a 'good' mother is to always have everything under control and never ask for help. But that couldn't be further from the truth. Your baby doesn't need a perfect mother, they just need a loving one. And sometimes, the best way to show that love is by asking for help when you need it.
So don't be afraid to reach out to friends, family, or even professionals for support. Remember, asking for help isn't admitting failure, it's recognising that you're human and sometimes you need a little extra help to be the best mother you can be.
2. Everyone else copes
I totally get where this statement is coming from, It's true that people tend to only show their highlight reels, not the messy behind-the-scenes stuff. It's like when someone comes over to your house and you quickly shove all the clutter into a closet. You're not going to show them the real deal - the baby vomit on your shirt, the messy house, and the dinner that's totally slapped together.
But here's the thing: everyone struggles. Even the people who seem like they have it all together. They just might not be as open about it. It's so easy to compare yourself to others and feel like you're the only one who's not coping. But trust me, you're not alone.
I think it's important to remember that self-growth, self-discovery, and self-love are all journeys. There's no end destination where suddenly everything is perfect and we've got it all figured out. So don't be too hard on yourself if you're not "coping" like you think you should be. Take it one step at a time, and remember that it's okay to ask for help when you need it. We're all in this together!
3. I shouldn’t need help
As a mother, it's easy to fall into the trap of feeling like we should be able to handle everything on our own. But the truth is, this pressure is a societal myth. Perhaps we see our own mothers as the ones who held it all together, who did it all, and feel like we should be able to do the same. However, it's important to remember that even mothers in the 80s didn't do everything themselves. They often spent time with other mothers, allowing their children to play together while they connected and spent time together. They would share lunches or participate in recreational activities while their children were in free childcare. My mum often tells stories of the mums on her street meeting up everyday and also playing organised sport together each week where all us kids were in a crèche. That does sound so lovely, to have a built in support team on your street. The idea that we should be able to do it all on our own is simply not realistic and can lead to feelings of loneliness. Instead, consider joining a local playgroup or connecting with other local women on Facebook to spend time together and support one another. Remember, it's okay to ask for help and seek out community.
4. My baby is more important than me
As a mother myself, I understand the natural instinct to put our children's needs before our own. However, it's important to remember that taking care of yourself is just as crucial as taking care of your little ones. In fact, it's the foundation on which you build your family.
Think of the advice given by flight attendants before takeoff…… put on your air mask before your child's. The reason behind this is simple, you can't take care of your child if you're not in the right state of mind and body. The same reasoning applies to motherhood. If you don't prioritise your well-being, you won't be able to give your child the best version of yourself.
So, the next time you feel guilty for taking a break or indulging in some self-care, remember that you're not being selfish, you're simply ensuring that you're in the best possible condition to care for your child. After all, a happy and healthy mother is the foundation for a happy and healthy family.
5. They won’t do it the way I want
I completely understand wanting things done your way. But sometimes, accepting help can make all the difference. I know it can be uncomfortable to let go of control and trust someone else to do things differently, but think of it like a balancing act. On one side, you have the stress of doing it all yourself, just the way you want it. On the other side, you have the option of accepting help, which might cause a little discomfort, but ultimately leaves you feeling more rested and refreshed.
To help you visualise this, picture a scale with your ideal parenting and home management style on one side, and your need for rest and relaxation on the other. It’s up to you to weigh the pros and cons of each side. Is holding onto control worth the overwhelming exhaustion? Or is a little discomfort and adjustment worth the chance to recharge?
Remember, you have your own unique style and system, but it’s okay to let go and let others help you along the way. Who knows? You might even learn something new and find a better way of doing things. So next time you’re hesitant to accept help, think of that balancing act and consider what’s truly best for you and your family.
6. My baby need me
I know firsthand how tough it can be to leave your baby in someone else's care. We worry they won't know our baby's quirks and preferences like we do. It's natural to feel like no one can care for our babies like we can. While this may be partially true, it's important to remember that your baby will still receive the care they need, they'll be fed, bathed, played with, and looked after by another loving caregiver. Trusting someone else to care for your little one can feel scary, but if you've found a trustworthy caregiver, it's okay to take a break and let someone else take the reins for a little while. Remember, taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of your baby.
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